Heart On My Sleeve

I'm still not sure which direction this blog is gonna take. I don't feel like just making chapters about each person I know that has died. For one thing, these people don't really feel dead to me so much as just gone. It's like I've lost their phone number and address, or they ditched me. I don't know if that's a denial problem I have, or if everyone is like that. When I remember my friends, I know that they're not alive any more, but they are alive in the memories and those memories are tied in with memories of lots of other friends. They didn't always exist separately as distinct chapters of a story for me so much as they were like ingredients that all went together to make a recipe. When I think of them, I think of them in the context of their life more than their ending, and it's the living things about them that I miss. I think then, the entries in the blog are more likely to wind up being reflections on experiences we shared with the occasional chapter devoted to one person.

I grieve - at least at this stage in my life - collectively more than I do for each individual. That's one of the things about writing this blog that I hope will change. I want to be able to go back and give proper closer to the deaths of my friends instead of dealing with one big hurt that is too big to handle. I still have some pictures, books, music and stuff that will make me think of this or that friend, and likely a part of the memory will go to the fact that they're not around for me to call on the phone or run into at a bar. I even have some clothes that I "inherited." Someone mentioned all the different clothes I had once and I said, "I've been blessed to have a number of friends die in my size." It does make it hurt a little when something gets torn or stained, or just worn out. The clothes and the memories and the people are sorta woven together.